I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
be right there i have to get my cape
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
