You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
