my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
