I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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