dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
