Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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