Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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