So drunk its hurt
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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