3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize