Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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