You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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