it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
