Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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