Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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