So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's shark week go big or go home
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
