FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
