so that wasnt chicken after all
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
