Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
