I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just want to make out with him forever
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
