ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
