literally had 100 drinks last night.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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