My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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