We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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