I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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