It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
