on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
