Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
