How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
