I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
