Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
