every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
