Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
