Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
