you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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