dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
