I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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