I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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