She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
