dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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