only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
