There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
