just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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