Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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