I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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