forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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