If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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