My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
