Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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