??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
