I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
