My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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