I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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