Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
