I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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