I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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