You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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