so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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