Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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