I hate all girls vehemently.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
