I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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