I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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