Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
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He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
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One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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